Bad Hair, who dis?

My current hot mess of a head

When you find out you need chemo, your mind immediately goes to being bald. At least, that is the case for myself and everyone I know who has heard those dreaded words. However, unlike the Hollywood projections, there are apparently entire types of chemo that don't cause hair loss. In fact, most of the people you see receiving chemo infusions aren't bald.

Don't count me that lucky. For me, the second I saw HER2+ on my online medical chart (about 30min before the appointment where my surgical oncologist was going to tell me my plan) I knew going bald was in my future.

Sure, I considered cold-capping. (For those not in the know, you pretty much wear a refrigeration hat on your head for treatment in hopes that freezing your hair follicles can prevent hair loss), but TCHP--my type of chemo--almost guaranteed up to 90% hair loss within 3 weeks of treatment. Cold-capping couldn't promise to save more than 30% of my hair, and at a price of about $5000 and essentially migraines your entire treatment, I decided to abide by the cliche of "It's only hair."

I loved this look before treatment, an undercut bob in hot pink!

Day 14 I started pulling out handfuls of hair, so I decided to just shave it (there'd be shorter pieces everywhere that could blend in with the dog hair around the house)

So, sure enough, on day 14 after my first treatment my hair started falling out by the handfuls. Now, let me preface this by saying that other than one solitary cut my freshman year of college that was right above my shoulders, I've always had long hair. I was over zealous in my use of high quality products and heat protectant spray. When I'd go to the salon, they'd ohh and ahh over the health of my hair. Hell, my stylist even refused to let me try to go blond because my hair was too healthy to ruin like that.

I miss long hair because I miss being able to throw it in a bun.

I went from that to bald, with a brief foray into a hot pink undercut bob as I started chemo. Post chemo, my usual auburn hair grew back black and gray. I didn't get the chemo curls you hear so much about, instead, my hair has what my barber (yes, I started going to a barber because I'm not paying $100+ for a trim of this mess) calls a unique texture.

And the really fun thing that absolutely noone warned me about...my hormone meds, the ones I'm on for 10 YEARS, make any attempt to bleach and or dye my hair a fun game of Russian roulette. There's an entire patch at the back of my head, that no amount of dye will bleach. And, no matter how much bleaching and toning I do, orange is the only color I get. I tried to go fully gray (a nice lavender version), and yeah that didn't take. So, I decided to go mauve, instead I got orange and pink chaos. Now, I've realized that demi-permanent hot pink works. Sure, it washes out after about a week and I'm back to orange and pink ombre, but hey, it's better than all orange.

However, now I'm up to about an inch of growth (yep, an inch of black and gray) which is met by orange (my old roots really struggled to bleach and take dye) and then pink.

My hair, finally about 5in is also at a weird stage of growth. I got an undercut so I wouldn't look like I had a mullet, but now that's growing out. I can't decide if I should let my hair grow or cut it again. I can't decide what color to attempt.

I'm at a loss. I never expected that over a year out from chemo, I'd look in the mirror and be confused.