The only one Joking About Death

One thing having cancer does is put death in perspective. I was diagnosed triple positive invasive ductile carcinoma at 32 while 29 weeks pregnant with my first kid. Before that, death was some foreign, abstract idea that didn't actually apply to me.

Then, suddenly, I was faced with my own mortality. For me, dying wasn't scary. I'm not religious (I'm actually atheist, so it wasn't a promise of heaven), but death was just something I became aware was a possibility. For me, I was more afraid of dying before my daughter could remember who I was. I didn't want to die before my unborn daughter could know who I was and what I stood for.

Death is no longer this abstract idea. It's a reality for those diagnosed with cancer.

My whole life, my Oma (German for Grandma) would always call me of she hadn't heard from me in 2-3 days saying “I'm just making sure you didn't die” (yeah snark is in my genes). Then, when I got diagnosed with cancer, suddenly she didn't want to talk about me dying.

My Oma passed away in November, and at Christmas my mom mentioned wanting to take pictures because she is so grateful we took them with Oma last year. My mom didn't appreciate me asking, “Who are you expecting to die? I mean I'll probably be the next one to go”. Joking about death is fun, until it's a reality.

Now, I seem to be the only person willing to joke about me dying. Even my brother, who jokes about everything, suddenly doesn't laugh when I joke about dying.

Do people think laughing will make it happen?

Or maybe, for those that haven't had to truly face their mortality, death is still taboo.